Grief Resource from Dignity Memorial

Printable Myths About Grief - USBE

The Sharing Place

1695 East 3300 South
Salt Lake City, Utah 84106
Phone: 801-466-6730
Fax: 801-466-0422

Myths About Grief

• All losses are the same.
• It takes two months to get over your grief.
• All bereaved people grieve in the same way.
• Grief always declines over time in a steadily decreasing way.
• When grief is resolved, it never comes up again.
• Family members will always help grievers.
• Children grieve like adults.
• Feeling sorry for yourself is not allowable.
• It is better to put painful things out of your mind.
• You should not think about your deceased loved one at the holidays because it will make you too sad.
• Bereaved individuals only need to express their feelings, and they will resolve their grief.
• Expressing feelings that are intense is the same as losing control.
• There is no reason to be angry at people who tried to do their best for your deceased loved one.
• There is no reason to be angry at your deceased loved one.
• Only sick individuals have physical problems with grief.
• Because you feel crazy, you are going crazy.
• Infant death shouldn't be too difficult to resolve because you didn't know the child that well.
• Children need to be protected from grief and death.
• Rituals and funerals are unimportant in helping us deal with life and death in contemporary America.
• Being upset and grieving means that you do not believe in God or trust your religion.
• You will have no relationship with your loved one after their death.
• The intensity and length of your grief are testimony to your love for the deceased.
• There is something wrong if you do not always feel close to your other family members, since you should be happy they are still alive.

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• There is something wrong with you if you think that part of you has died with your loved one.
• If someone has lost a spouse, he or she knows what it is like to lose a child.
• It is better to tell bereaved people to “be brave” and “keep a stiff upper lip” because then they will not have to experience as much pain.
• Grief will affect you psychologically, but in no other way.
• Losing someone to sudden death is the same as losing someone to an anticipated death.
• You will not be affected much if your parent dies when you are an adult.
• It is not important to have social support in your grief.
• Once your loved one has died, it is better not to focus on him or her but to put him or her in the past and go on.
• You can find ways to avoid the pain of your grief and still resolve it successfully.

NONE OF THESE STATEMENTS IS TRUE. EACH ONE IS FALSE.

From:
Grieving: How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies
Therese A. Rando, Ph.D.

Printable Concepts of Death - USBE

A CHILD'S CONCEPT OF DEATH

A unique characteristic of children is their insatiable appetite for answers to their questions. Children are especially interested in why death occurs and why it can't be "fixed".

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Infancy to Toddler Years

Understanding

• There is no concept of death.
• The child reacts to the emotions and feelings of the parents.
• The grief of others permeates their environment.

Reactions

• Crying.
• Regurgitation or vomiting.
• Regression in toilet habits.

Interventions

• Confront the behavior with professional help.
• Keep the routine as normal as possible.
• Physical reassurance through holding and talking to the child.

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From Three to Five

Understanding

• Children this age live mostly in the present.
• They deny death as a normal and final process.
• They equate death with sleep; in time, the person will awaken.
• Death is measured in degrees — “kind of” dead to “real” dead.
• They begin to form a vague understanding of death but believe it only happens to other people.

Reactions

• May show little concern when told of a death.
• May regress to infantile behavior.
• Fear separation from significant others.
• Ask repeated questions about the person who died.

Interventions

• State the fact of death. Do not use clichés.
• Keep explanations short and simple.
• Respond to their security needs.

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From Six to Nine

Understanding

• They have a clearer understanding of death.
• Comprehend they, too, can die.
• Begin to fear death; often see it as punishment.
• Realize death is final and people they love can die.

Reactions

• High anxiety.
• Less willing to talk about death.
• Grief reactions ebb and flow.

Interventions

• Respond compassionately.
• Refrain from using clichés.
• Be responsive to their needs.
• Provide reassurance.
• Use art and stories to aid expression of grief.

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From Ten to Twelve

Understanding

• View death not only as final but inevitable.
• Curious about the biological aspects of death.
• Often joke about death to hide fear.
• May feel some responsibility for the death.

Reactions

• Separation anxiety and fear.
• Possible loss of some manual skills.
• Daydreaming; school grades may fall.
• This is the “fix it” age.
• Tend to emotionally distance themselves.

Interventions

• Give compassionate answers to questions.
• Give permission to vent feelings.
• Listen attentively.
• Give an honest explanation of the death.

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Teenage Years

Understanding

• More adult processes are evident.
• Fluctuate between acknowledging death as final and wanting to believe it is just a rumor.
• Feelings of immortality coexist with awareness that life is fragile.
• May engage in risk-taking behavior to defy death.

Reactions

• Assume the adult role, especially with younger siblings.
• Preoccupation with death.
• May attempt suicide as a gesture.
• Often show anger and aggression.

Interventions

• Encourage communication.
• Involve a trusted friend.
• Engage in loving confrontation when needed.
• Provide professional help when necessary.

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Organization Information

The Sharing Place
1695 East 3300 South
Salt Lake City, UT 84106
Phone: 801-466-6730
Website: www.thesharingplace.org

Printable Helping Your Child After a Family Homicide Loss

The Power of Parenting: Helping Your Child After a Family Homicide Loss

OVERVIEW

When families experience the death of a loved one through homicide, their lives are forever changed. Caregivers, even while grieving, can support their children after a family homicide loss. Caring for and supporting your children while dealing with your own pain can be difficult. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, but some of these ideas, drawn from the experiences of caregivers and young people who have experienced family homicide, may be useful to you on your journey.

Below are:

• Common reactions and feelings of families dealing with homicide losses
• Descriptions of tools and coping strategies
• Other helpful resources

“The power of parenting in this resource is to validate that this isn’t ‘fixable.’”
— Linda P., surviving spouse of a community violence homicide victim and parent to two children under age 5

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1. Common Experiences With Family Homicide Loss

For children and adults, losing a family member to homicide can be traumatizing. It may cause a sense of ongoing danger and uncertainty which can affect normal child development. Each child’s experience is unique. Posttraumatic stress, grief, guilt, anxiety, and depressed feelings are common reactions. Some may respond with sadness and crying while others use humor to cope.

Children may also have uncomfortable physical symptoms, such as problems with sleeping, reduced appetite, and stomach aches. The response to such a loss may also show up through actions like risk-taking behaviors or social withdrawal from others.

To reduce unpleasant feelings, children may try to avoid scary or sad memories. A common reaction, especially if a child has posttraumatic stress, is to avoid talking or thinking about anything related to the person or how they died. Even happy thoughts and memories may cause distress. This may lead to avoiding people, places, or things that remind them of the person. Some children get “stuck” on the traumatic aspects of the death, which interferes with working through grief.

Common responses to homicide loss include anger, shame, hopelessness, and resentment.

“My daughter’s homicide was related to drug use, so there was so much stigma and blame. She did not deserve to die because of her addiction. Now I’m left to raise her children.”
— Ellen S., mother of homicide victim and caregiver to grandchildren

“It has been 10 years and to this day I still can’t believe that my son was killed over 20 dollars. How someone could do that continues to haunt me.”
— Eliza L., mother of homicide victim

“I did not need support because murder in my family was not new… it has just become a thing that happens sadly.”
— 15-year-old cousin of a homicide victim

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2. When Grief Is Not Respected or Acknowledged

Homicides within poor, Indigenous, racially, and culturally diverse communities are often ignored by society. The more minority identities a person carries, the less likely it is their death will be openly acknowledged. This “disenfranchised grief” makes the loss even more painful.

Homicide victims, especially from marginalized communities, are often blamed for their own deaths, increasing anger, shame, and distress among survivors.

When homicide deaths are ongoing, communities may find society is not understanding or empathic toward their grief. Caregivers play a crucial role in validating this reality and creating safe spaces for children to talk about it.

“This always happens to my people… I am breaking down and I know my Momma is too.”
— 17-year-old sibling of a homicide victim

“My teacher couldn’t understand when I started crying in class… She said, ‘Isn’t this normal for you by now?’”
— 16-year-old cousin of a homicide victim

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3. Ways to Help Your Child

1. Be honest with age-appropriate details and allow children to ask questions at their own pace.

2. Validate anger and rage. Provide safe spaces to express it (screaming, swearing, physical activity, art).

3. Model and label emotions. Share your feelings and help children name theirs. Let them know all feelings are acceptable.

“Your life is changed forever, so I had to learn to be gentle with myself.”
— Liliana D., surviving parent

4. Help them feel safe by maintaining routines and predictability.

5. Ask for help. Lean on community members, family, friends, and trusted adults.

6. Address invisibility of grief. Share experiences publicly if the child agrees and with community support.

7. Counter victim-blaming. Talk about the positive qualities of the person who died.

8. Invite community engagement. Vigils, protests, and justice-focused events can restore agency and connection.

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4. Seeking Professional Support

A family homicide loss is one of the most traumatic experiences a family can endure. Ongoing court proceedings and contact with law enforcement can retraumatize family members.

“I saw my brother walking across the bridge and I was thinking he was thinking of doing something stupid.”
— 12-year-old, speaking to his therapist

Grief support services, school counselors, and therapists can help, especially in the second year after the loss when support often fades. There is no timeline for grief.

“Therapy is like a pair of jeans. Sometimes they don’t fit.”
— Grace P., sibling of homicide victim

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5. Resources

NCTSN Resources

• The Power of Parenting: How to Help Your Child After a Parent or Caregiver Dies
  https://www.nctsn.org/resources/power-of-parenting-how-to-help-your-child-after-a-parent-or-caregiver-dies
• Community Violence Resources
  https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma/trauma-types/community-violence
• Intimate Partner Violence Resources
  https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma/trauma-types/intimate-partner-violence

Additional Resources

• What to Do When the Police Leave — Bill Jenkins (2001)
• The Dougy Center — https://www.dougy.org
• Trauma and Grief Center (TAG) — https://www.tagcenter.org
• Parents of Murdered Children — https://pomc.org
• Homicide Survivors, Inc. — https://homicidesurvivorsinc.org
• Resilient Parenting for Bereaved Families — https://bereavedparenting.org

Suggested Citation
Brown et al. (2023). The Power of Parenting: Helping Your Child After a Family Homicide Loss.
National Center for Child Traumatic Stress.

Printable Grief by Age Groups - USBE

The Sharing Place

1695 East 3300 South
Salt Lake City, Utah 84106
Phone: 801-466-6730
Fax: 801-466-0422

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Understanding Grieving Children – By Age Group

Age 2–4

Concept of Death

• Egocentric; believes world centers around them
• No cognitive understanding of death
• Preconceptual; unable to grasp abstract concepts
• Death seen as abandonment and reversible

Common Statements

• “Did you know my daddy died?”
• “When will he be home?”

Grief Response / Developmental Stage

• Intensive but brief responses
• Very present-oriented
• Most aware of changes in care routines
• Repeated questions

Signs of Distress

• Regression
• Changes in eating and sleeping
• Bedwetting
• Irritability and confusion

Possible Interventions

• Short, honest interactions
• Frequent repetition
• Comforting reassurance
• Nurturing responses
• Consistent routines

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Age 4–7

Concept of Death

• Gaining autonomy and language
• Fantasy thinking and “wishing”
• Initiative phase; concerns about guilt
• Death viewed as reversible
• Strong personification of death
• Feels responsible for death due to thoughts or wishes

Common Statements

• “It’s my fault. I was mad at her and wished she’d die.”

Grief Response

• Verbalization
• Focus on “How?” and “Why?”
• Repetitive questioning
• May act as if nothing has happened

Signs of Distress

• Regression
• Nightmares
• Eating and sleeping disturbances
• Violent play
• Attempts to take on the role of the deceased

Possible Interventions

• Symbolic play (drawing, stories)
• Encourage expression of energy and feelings
• Physical outlets
• Talk openly about the death

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Age 7–11

Concept of Death

• Concrete thinking
• Growing self-confidence
• Logical thinking develops
• Death seen as punishment
• Fear of bodily harm or mutilation
• Transition phase between reversibility and finality

Grief Response

• Specific, detailed questions
• Interest in how others are responding
• Questions about the “right” way to grieve
• Beginning ability to mourn

Signs of Distress

• Regression
• School problems
• Withdrawal from friends
• Acting out
• Sleep and eating issues
• Body concerns
• Suicidal thoughts (desire to reunite with the deceased)
• Role confusion

Possible Interventions

• Answer questions honestly
• Encourage a full range of feelings
• Allow choices and control
• Be available but respect need for space
• Symbolic and physical outlets
• Talk about the death

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Age 11–18

Concept of Death

• Abstract thinking
• Formal problem-solving
• Adult-like understanding
• Integration of personal beliefs
• Actively making sense of teachings about death

Grief Response

• Depression
• Denial or repression
• More willing to talk with peers or non-family
• Traditional mourning patterns

Signs of Distress

• Depression
• Anger (often toward parents)
• Noncompliance
• Rejection of previous beliefs
• Role confusion
• Acting out

Possible Interventions

• Encourage verbal expression
• Avoid taking control
• Support self-motivation
• Listen actively
• Be available
• Do not try to “take away” the grief

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Courtesy of the Dougy Center for Grieving Children

Printable How to Talk to Your Child About a Death- USBE

© 2006 Mary M. Lyles, MSW, LCSW
All rights reserved.
Children's Grief Education Association
www.childgrief.org

INFORMING A CHILD OF A SIGNIFICANT DEATH

It is assumed that you are reading this page because there is a crisis in your family and you need quick information about what to say to a child to tell them a loved one has died. This is written to give you quick, simple guidelines.

Are you the child’s primary caregiver? If so, evaluate your emotional state regarding the death. Do you need someone with you when your child is informed? If so, reach out to family, a friend or a clergyperson. Give them a copy of “Grieving Children: What to Say” to read before you meet with your child. At this time, the section on what not to say is most useful. It is located in the same window where you found this article.

Basic Principles of Informing a Child of a Death:

• Keep it simple. Use “died”, not “He is sleeping.”
(I.e.: “Colin, there was an accident at work today. Daddy was working on the 5 th floor when a guardrail broke, and he fell down to the ground. The fall was so far and so hard that he died.”)

• Allow your child to express raw feelings freely or ask questions.

• Answer questions honestly and simply. Do not go into detail, unless asked. Offer only as much detailed information as is requested.

• If the death was due to a violent crime, explain how the child will remain safe.

• If the body is suitable for viewing, allow the child to see your deceased loved one, if requested. Prepare the child for what he or she will see.

• Tell your child what will be happening in the next few days.

• Give your child choices in what to do. Some children want to go to school on the day of their death. Familiar routines are comforting. Inform the school of the death before your child returns.

• Reassure your child that he or she will be cared for and explain the plan.

Printable Five to Thrive

FIVE to THRIVE

During times of uncertainty or high stress, we sometimes become overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. Here are five things you can do to “reboot” your brain and reset your perspective. 

Square Breathing

Practice deep belly breaths while envisioning a square:

• Inhale for 4 seconds
• Hold your breath for 4 seconds
• Exhale for 4 seconds
• Hold for 4 seconds

Continue for 10 cycles of this breathing exercise.

TIP: Sometimes it helps to picture a balloon inflating and deflating. 

Mindful Awareness

Using your senses, notice:

• 5 things you can see
• 4 things you can hear
• 3 things you can touch
• 2 things you can smell
• 1 thing you can taste 

Express Gratitude

Write down what you’re thankful for (seriously, write it down – it will be more impactful than just thinking it, speaking it, or even typing it).

Prompts:

• Someone helped me this past week by…
• Something that used to be hard, that I’ve worked hard to improve at is…
• The personality trait I’m most proud of is…
• The things or people I can always count on to make me laugh are…
• Something I have, that I sometimes take for granted is… 

Get Outside

Even if just briefly, go for a walk or bike ride and enjoy the sunshine.

Take a Break from Social Media

Do things that make you forget to check your phone. 

© School Counseling Success, 2020 

Printable Take some S.E.L.F.I.E.S.

TAKE some S.E.L.F.I.E.S.

To Fight Depression / Apathy

S — Sleep

Get the right amount of continuous SLEEP to detoxify your brain.
A nap should only last 20–30 minutes (longer than that, and you're just splicing your sleep).

How many hours per night are needed?

• Adults: 7–8
• Teens: 9–10
• Children: 9–11

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E — Exercise

Get EXERCISE!
Ideally, do something 5–6 days a week for at least 20 minutes that elevates your heart rate and leaves you a bit breathless.

Even something as simple as:

• Walking up and down a flight of stairs
• Doing a few pushups

…would work.

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L — Lift Someone

LIFT / Encourage someone else.
Hold a door open, offer a sincere smile, pay a compliment to a random stranger.

There are opportunities all around us every day to lift and encourage others.
Notice others and be kind.

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F — Fun

Do something FUN!
It can be anything you enjoy — big or small.

✨ Bonus points if it’s something that makes you laugh.

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I — Face‑to‑Face Interactions

Be sure to have some face‑to‑face INTERACTIONS.

Even if the exact same words are spoken:

• Face‑to‑face interactions (vs. through a phone/screen) release feel‑good chemicals in your brain
• These contribute to a feeling of connectedness

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E — Eat Right

EAT right.
Make some healthy choices each day.

It’s not possible to feel your best if you’re never getting proper nourishment.

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S — Sunlight

Get outside and soak up some SUNLIGHT.

• Vitamin D can do wonders for your mood and motivation
• Sunlight is one of the best sources

If you can’t get outside:

• Spend at least 10 minutes next to a sunny window each day

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💡 Here’s a Tip…

The same activity can fulfill more than one category.

Example:

Going hiking with friends and then having a picnic =
Exercise • Fun • Interactions • Eat • Sunlight
…plus you’ll likely have a chance to Lift / encourage someone too.

Challenge yourself to think of activities that satisfy multiple categories at once.

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📊 Chart Your Progress

(Weekly tracking pages)

Categories tracked each day:

• S – Sleep
• E – Exercise
• L – Lift someone
• F – Fun
• I – Face‑to‑face interactions
• E – Eat right
• S – Sunlight

Days of the week:

• Sunday → Saturday

(Repeated chart pages for ongoing weekly use)

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🧠 DO THEM ANYWAY!

Thoughts → Physiological Response → Feelings → Actions

But what if I don’t FEEL like doing these things?

The truth is:

• You probably won’t feel like it at first
• If you wait until you feel like it, it may never happen

The trick is to do these things anyway, and you’ll feel better afterward.

Think of it like the wheels of a car:

• You can only turn the front wheels:
  • Your thoughts
  • Your actions
• The back wheels:
  • How you feel
  • Your physiological response

…will follow the direction of the front wheels.

That’s why you must do these things first,
even if you don’t feel like it,
to change the way you feel.

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© School Counseling Success, 2022

Printable 4 Tips to Conquer Anxiety

CHASING AWAY THE CLOUDS
4 Tips to Conquer Anxiety

By incorporating some simple changes in your lifestyle, you can start to see a brighter future. Here are four tips to help chase away the clouds and conquer your anxiety.

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1
PRACTICE PROPER
BREATHING TECHNIQUES

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2
MAINTAIN A REGULAR
EXERCISE ROUTINE

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3
LEARN HOW TO
MANAGE STRESS

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4
REDUCE CAFFEINE AND
SUGAR INTAKE

Printable How to use Social Media in Healthy Ways

How to Use Social Media in Healthy Ways

1. Be a critical thinker.

When looking at a picture or post, evaluate:

• What is the message?
• Who posted it?
• What did they intend?
• What is missing from the picture/message?
• Is it authentic?
• How does it make me feel?

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2. Use self-discipline in managing your time.

• Average number of times per day a person touches their phone: 2,617
• Average amount of time spent between touching the phone: 12 minutes
• Use screen time apps to monitor your use and set limits
• Number 1 predictor of depression: not getting enough sleep
  • Are you sleep deprived because you spend so much time at night on social media?
  • Give it a break. Completely unplug from all electronics at least one hour before bedtime.

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3. Be more active on social media.

Be aware of the difference between:

• Lurking / passive use (endless scrolling)
  • Increases depressive symptoms by 33%
• Active use (liking or commenting)
  • Decreases depressive symptoms by 15%

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4. Be purposeful and mindful of why you get on social media.

• To connect with others? (Associated with positive outcomes)
• Because you’re bored?
  • Associated with increased time spent on social media and more lurking
  • What else can you do if you're bored?

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5. Manage your relationships on social media.

• Avoid unbalanced comparisons.
  • Instead of noticing what’s different (“She’s so much prettier than me.” or “His life is so much more exciting than mine.”), try to find something you have in common.
• Have compassion for the person you’re comparing yourself to.
  • Humanize rather than objectify them. Ask yourself:
    • What’s their story?
    • What makes them cry?
    • What do they wish for?
• Be choosy about who you follow — friends or celebrities.
  • If you regularly feel down after looking at someone’s posts, stop following them.

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6. Be present.

When you are with people, be with them — not your phone.
Look up and connect face-to-face.

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© School Counseling Success, 2020

Printable Side Effects of Social Media

Side Effects of Social Media

Active Ingredients

Connection, community, good feels, humor, information, fake news, cruelty, insults, emotional turmoil.

Uses

• Connect with friends, family
• Communicate
• Offer and gain support
• Build relationships
• Share inspiring stories
• Find community
• Plan together
• Gain information
• Share photos and videos
• Promote work
• Create

Warnings — May Cause

• Sleep disruption, daytime drowsiness
• Inattentiveness
• Diminished feelings of accomplishment
• Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)
• Feelings of inadequacy
• Feelings of exclusion
• Decreased face‑to‑face interaction
• Unrealistic appearance standards
• Screen addiction
• Feelings of anxiety
• Chest or stomach pain
• Lost motivation
• Delays in learning
• Increased risk‑taking
• Bullying
• Isolating behaviors
• Decreased physical activity
• Depressive symptoms
• Compromised eye health
• Unrealistic views of self
• Increased self‑absorption
• Relationship discord

When Using This Product — Keep in Mind

Short clips (posts, videos, stories) do not truly represent real life. Photoshop edits, filters, and retouching apps intensify unrealistic beauty standards.

Directions

Not recommended for ages 13 years and under

Keep Out of Reach

• When feeling down, alone, or isolated — can cause negative downward spiral
• During breakups — can increase difficult feelings, excessive app checking, hinder ability to let go
• When use prevents real‑life interactions — opting out of in‑person events, limited eye contact
• If drinking alcohol — may cause excessive messaging; increase embarrassment the following day
• If receiving unwanted advances, nude pics, or scams — trust instincts when something “feels off”
• Following a crisis or trauma — seek professional help and in‑person connections

Possible Negative Interactions — Do Not Mix With

• Insecurities — can increase current or create new self‑doubts
• Boredom or infatuation — may cause binge scrolling
• Feelings of depression or anxiety — may heighten negative emotions

Stop Use or Seek Support If

• Use causes obsessive behavior or excessive app checking
• Use exceeds more than two hours per day
• Confusion occurs between reality vs. non‑reality
• You feel yourself being sucked into the illusion of perfection
• Comparisons cause destructive thoughts and feelings
• Difficult feelings worsen

For Ages 14 Years and Up

• Note which active ingredients you’re consuming and various effects
• Be aware of associated thoughts and feelings during use
• Curate your feed to experience positive feelings
• Do not use a minimum of thirty minutes prior to bedtime

 

My Social Media Rx

Active Ingredients

Describe how social media impacts:

• Your thoughts
• Your mood
• How you view yourself

Uses

How do you want to use your time online?

Warnings — May Cause

What issues concern you about social media?

When Using This Product — Keep in Mind

What have you noticed about yourself or your friends when going online?

Directions

Not recommended for ages 13 years and under

What do you recommend for yourself?

• Specific apps to delete?
• Who or what to follow?
• Who or what to unfollow?
• Hard stop for time online?

Keep Out of Reach

• When…
• If…

Possible Negative Interactions

What should you avoid mixing with social media?

Stop Use or Seek Support If

• Use causes obsessive behavior or excessive app checking
• Use exceeds more than two hours per day
• Confusion occurs between reality vs. non‑reality
• You feel yourself being sucked into the illusion of perfection
• Comparisons cause destructive thoughts and feelings
• Difficult feelings worsen

WHAT ELSE?

Written by:
Susan Caso, MA, LPC
Mental Health Director

© 2023 Susan Caso, MA, LPC
Designed by: Lilly Do